Brits Revoke U.S. Independence - A Message from John Cleese 3/17/05
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
-You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium,"
and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it.
-The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise,
you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
-Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look
up "vocabulary").
-Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is
no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of "-ize."
-You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen." July 4th will
no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday,
but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
-You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult
enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
-All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections
will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect.
-At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
-The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly
$6/US gallon. Get used to it.
-You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps."
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
-The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European
brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands
will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without
risk of further confusion.
(continued>>>>>>>>>>)
